The Turkey: Rex Ryan. Because he is Rex Ryan. See: a simple Google search from the past few years for his turkey-like quotes and actions. Also, he is rather large, and the turkey is the largest thing on the table. Usually.
The Wishbone: Andrew Luck. For obvious reasons.
The Stuffing: Andy Reid. Andy Reid is full of it. He's messy.
The Sweet Potatoes: Ray Rice. One might think that Ray Rice would actually be the RICE, but no. He has sweet moves and looks kind of like a potato: short and stout.
The Mashed Potatoes: Mike Vick. Vick has gotten mashed every game and has broken every rib known to man this season. Also, concussions. This is why you'll probably decide to pass on the mashed potatoes.
The Green Beans: Nick Foles, the Eagles current starting quarterback. Because he looks kind of like a green bean with his tall, lanky, green self. He also might snap pretty easily.
The Cranberry Sauce: RGIII. He wears maroon and wiggles his way around defenses. A smooth dude.
The Rolls: Tim Tebow. The rolls are kind of just there, and you can take them or leave them. Definitely not the star of the meal, although you thought they'd be better than they really are.
The Carrots: Matt Ryan. You remember the last time you had the carrots they were awesome, but this time you have some uncertainty as to whether you will like them or not. Almost like you are afraid the carrots will throw five interceptions in your mouth.
The Pumpkin Pie: Tom Brady. Everyone wants a slice of the pumpkin pie, mainly because it looks so good. But be careful, too much of a good thing can be annoying and make you sick.
The Wine: Colin Kaepernick. Because he makes everyone all drunk with excitement.
So today when you are at the table, don't forget to ask people to pass the Rex Ryan before you take a slice of Tom Brady.
Have a great holiday, everyone!
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